The World’s Best Cherry-Picking Race Guide for Fauxdiums

Fauxdium

Faux·di·um
/ˈfōdēəm/
noun

A small platform on which a person may stand to be seen by his/her scant Instagram followers, as when claiming an illegitimate victory or below-average achievement.

“Sarah claimed a fauxdium when she bragged about her first place finish. The race had 4 runners, one DNF’ed, one DNS’ed, and one finished with a friendly three-legged dog.”

Fauxdium

Live racing is back! It’s time to wow your 124 Instagram fans with feats of athleticism. We are well past the days of posting about your virtual race world record and COVID vaccination card completion (that’s so 2020). Here are some suggestions on how to show everyone you are #backontop and how all your #HWPO!

Open Wave It! : Not yet in prime form for an elite or age group podium? No problem. Land on the Spartan open wave podium! No one will know you skipped all the burpees, kicked the bell, and what the black headband means. Just make sure your IG story show you walking up the 1st place podium spot, and there isn’t a toddler climbing on the other spots in your frame.

Find A Small Race: Ever heard Battle of the Lions? How about Mud Endeavor? Neither have I, but who cares. OCR is still a niche sport, and only the die hard knows the difference between a win in the OCR World Championship and the Mud Hero Champion. Hold up your plastic medal with pride!

Organize Your Own Race: You can’t really lose if you are literally peeling neighbors off the couch. Just be selective and make sure Johnny varsity is away for his high school cross country meet.

Look Before You Leap: Check the entrant list before spending your hard earned podium money. Avoid any race that have racers named Ryan, Jon, Nicole, or Lindsay. You may as well take that money to your local trophy store. #supportlocalbusiness

It’s A Numbers Game: If there are fewer than 2 people racing, there is a 93.4% chance you will end up on the podium as long as you wake up on time. Faux Tip: Pace yourself. No one will know you finished 3 hours after the winner in a 5 mile race.

Make Up Rules As You Go: Can’t run fast? Make sure to complain that the course is catered to runners, and defend “bands over burpees” ’til you die. Can’t do obstacles? Make sure your IG caption says obstacle success rate needs to be 62.3% or higher to be a legit race.

Look, landing your first podium is probably the most impressive thing others will see you do. It is also the best way to earn sponsors (or is it called ambassadorship?) for your favorite CBD or nutritional supplement. Why bother with weeks of compromised running, hours of long runs and race specific training? These are all made up words for running anyway. Go earn your fauxdium, and let internet strangers and your mom know how inspiring you can be!


Author pictured with hard earned, local, Fauxidum swag!

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